When does dating move from the casual phase to the serious phase? Obviously, the answer is different for every couple and often for both participants. One of you may view the dating serious from day one; the other may never view the dating as serious (which obviously creates lots and lots of problems for both of you). In this chapter, I give you guidelines from which you can begin to evolve your own personal perspectives and discuss them together.
Any relationship can survive if you’re both on the same wavelength, and any relationship is going to run into problems if you’re not. Like anything else, heavy dating may best be defined by what it is and what it isn’t: It’s not casual dating, and it’s a step beyond serious dating.
Casual dating means that neither of you is taking the relationship terribly seriously because one or the other of you is
Even though no one is crazy about auditioning for the role of significant other, casual dating has much to recommend it: It allows both parties to get to know one another without the pressure of exclusivity, and it allows for comparisons that are natural and not necessarily odious.
Serious dating is a transition between casual dating and heavy dating. With serious dating,
The idea of dating is to see who’s out there and to keep do-si-doing and switching off until you find someone who seems a cut above the rest, someone worthy of additional time and effort and consideration. Once you decide that you have someone who is worth abandoning all others for — at least temporarily — you’ve moved into exclusivity, which is a precursor to heavy dating. Heavy dating involves:
Sexual intimacy, although not necessary to a committed relationship, is often one of its hallmarks. Whereas some think the key is the “sex” part, the real key is the “intimacy” part: a connection deep enough to involve body and soul. But intimacy depends on a number of factors, not just (and not necessarily) on the sex act. If you think that you can achieve intimacy solely through sex, you’re mistaken.
In our society, sex is a big deal. It’s commercialized and romanticized; it’s used to sell everything from toothpaste to chewing gum, cars to condos, jeans to Jacuzzis; and it’s wrapped in ribbons and adorned with hearts and flowers. No wonder there are so many mixed messages. For example:
Wow, if we used the same criteria for words, we’d all stutter all the time, and sexually we are a stuttering society.
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